Well, the Grindstone's been a Little Bit Worn Down as of Late...

Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one will be facing down alien robot dinosaurs with nothing but a stick of butter and a hand-full of dreams. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.

Lets say you’ve been hired as a grunt soldier by some sort of terrorist organization that specializes in making GIANT WALKING TANKS with a shitload of firepower. You’re minding your own business, when suddenly, one of your friends gets owned by a silenced shot. You look around the corridor, but you can see nothing suspicious, save for a cardboard box. Muttering to yourself, you deduce that the cardboard box has really always been there, and you return to patrolling. Not two seconds later, you feel a pair of firm hands grasp you and snap your neck. You, my friend, have just had your shit rocked by Solid Snake.

Snake has it pretty good. He’s an expert at like, every sort of firearm that has ever existed, he can slit your throat or just stab you to death, and he is also a master stealthy guy. The dude can eat cigarettes and vomit them back up, just in case he’s in a situation that calls for dying a little bit. I’m sure he has various other little knick-knacks in his digestive tract in case he had to cut a ribbon or burn an ant with only the use of the sunlight- because Snake is just that prepared.

He’s also really good at having a confused past, as he’s one of the three genetic replications of Naked Snake, who was like Solid Snake but badass enough to run around naked. Nah, just kidding. But seriously- Naked Snake could whoop anyone’s ass, and Solid Snake keeps the family tradition going.

Over his career, Snake has taken on a slew of crazy ass mofos. They’ve all decided to take the whole “name yourself after an animal thing” and run with it, pairing Snake up with gunslingers like Revolver Ocelot, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, and Decoy Octopus (And Gray Fox, though that’s a complicated story). However, Snake has also had to deal with the tomfoolery of the Beauty and the Beast Corps, a psychotic quartet of animal themed cyborg bitches. Oh, wait, did I mention he did this when he was the biological age of like, sixty five?! Yeah, imagine having a sweet set of robotic limbs and getting your shit rocked by an old guy with an eyepatch. However, he proved his title as badass by going toe-to-toe with his crazy biological twin, Liquid Snake, while the dude was piloting fucking Metal Gear Rex, which is Latin for “METAL T-REX WITH RAIL GUN”. Oh, and subsequently beating the shit out of him once more on top of a submarine- but that was way later. After winning out against his bro the first time, he found out that his dominant genes (the ones he received in the cloning process) were actually inferior to the recessive genes of his twin- which is essentially saying that your older, smellier, more ripped brother can make you his bitch because genetics says so, and you whipping out a rocket launcher and telling genetics to fuck off.

Snake’s beat out old age, an island of terrorists, a shitload of insane chicks, and more strange weirdos than you can count. Plus, his voice is the most badass, hardcore, war-torn sound to come from a man’s mouth since you heard your Grandpa talk to you about World War II. If that’s not badass, then tell me what is. Crab Battle.