These ain't your momma's bad asses.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
What the hell happened yesterday...?
Yeah, so Andrew Jackson was doing all fine and well, but it was suddenly BALEETED. We'll make it up to you guys.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Well, the Grindstone's been a Little Bit Worn Down as of Late...
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one will be facing down alien robot dinosaurs with nothing but a stick of butter and a hand-full of dreams. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Lets say you’ve been hired as a grunt soldier by some sort of terrorist organization that specializes in making GIANT WALKING TANKS with a shitload of firepower. You’re minding your own business, when suddenly, one of your friends gets owned by a silenced shot. You look around the corridor, but you can see nothing suspicious, save for a cardboard box. Muttering to yourself, you deduce that the cardboard box has really always been there, and you return to patrolling. Not two seconds later, you feel a pair of firm hands grasp you and snap your neck. You, my friend, have just had your shit rocked by Solid Snake.
Snake has it pretty good. He’s an expert at like, every sort of firearm that has ever existed, he can slit your throat or just stab you to death, and he is also a master stealthy guy. The dude can eat cigarettes and vomit them back up, just in case he’s in a situation that calls for dying a little bit. I’m sure he has various other little knick-knacks in his digestive tract in case he had to cut a ribbon or burn an ant with only the use of the sunlight- because Snake is just that prepared.
He’s also really good at having a confused past, as he’s one of the three genetic replications of Naked Snake, who was like Solid Snake but badass enough to run around naked. Nah, just kidding. But seriously- Naked Snake could whoop anyone’s ass, and Solid Snake keeps the family tradition going.
Over his career, Snake has taken on a slew of crazy ass mofos. They’ve all decided to take the whole “name yourself after an animal thing” and run with it, pairing Snake up with gunslingers like Revolver Ocelot, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, and Decoy Octopus (And Gray Fox, though that’s a complicated story). However, Snake has also had to deal with the tomfoolery of the Beauty and the Beast Corps, a psychotic quartet of animal themed cyborg bitches. Oh, wait, did I mention he did this when he was the biological age of like, sixty five?! Yeah, imagine having a sweet set of robotic limbs and getting your shit rocked by an old guy with an eyepatch. However, he proved his title as badass by going toe-to-toe with his crazy biological twin, Liquid Snake, while the dude was piloting fucking Metal Gear Rex, which is Latin for “METAL T-REX WITH RAIL GUN”. Oh, and subsequently beating the shit out of him once more on top of a submarine- but that was way later. After winning out against his bro the first time, he found out that his dominant genes (the ones he received in the cloning process) were actually inferior to the recessive genes of his twin- which is essentially saying that your older, smellier, more ripped brother can make you his bitch because genetics says so, and you whipping out a rocket launcher and telling genetics to fuck off.
Snake’s beat out old age, an island of terrorists, a shitload of insane chicks, and more strange weirdos than you can count. Plus, his voice is the most badass, hardcore, war-torn sound to come from a man’s mouth since you heard your Grandpa talk to you about World War II. If that’s not badass, then tell me what is. Crab Battle.
Lets say you’ve been hired as a grunt soldier by some sort of terrorist organization that specializes in making GIANT WALKING TANKS with a shitload of firepower. You’re minding your own business, when suddenly, one of your friends gets owned by a silenced shot. You look around the corridor, but you can see nothing suspicious, save for a cardboard box. Muttering to yourself, you deduce that the cardboard box has really always been there, and you return to patrolling. Not two seconds later, you feel a pair of firm hands grasp you and snap your neck. You, my friend, have just had your shit rocked by Solid Snake.
Snake has it pretty good. He’s an expert at like, every sort of firearm that has ever existed, he can slit your throat or just stab you to death, and he is also a master stealthy guy. The dude can eat cigarettes and vomit them back up, just in case he’s in a situation that calls for dying a little bit. I’m sure he has various other little knick-knacks in his digestive tract in case he had to cut a ribbon or burn an ant with only the use of the sunlight- because Snake is just that prepared.
He’s also really good at having a confused past, as he’s one of the three genetic replications of Naked Snake, who was like Solid Snake but badass enough to run around naked. Nah, just kidding. But seriously- Naked Snake could whoop anyone’s ass, and Solid Snake keeps the family tradition going.
Over his career, Snake has taken on a slew of crazy ass mofos. They’ve all decided to take the whole “name yourself after an animal thing” and run with it, pairing Snake up with gunslingers like Revolver Ocelot, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, and Decoy Octopus (And Gray Fox, though that’s a complicated story). However, Snake has also had to deal with the tomfoolery of the Beauty and the Beast Corps, a psychotic quartet of animal themed cyborg bitches. Oh, wait, did I mention he did this when he was the biological age of like, sixty five?! Yeah, imagine having a sweet set of robotic limbs and getting your shit rocked by an old guy with an eyepatch. However, he proved his title as badass by going toe-to-toe with his crazy biological twin, Liquid Snake, while the dude was piloting fucking Metal Gear Rex, which is Latin for “METAL T-REX WITH RAIL GUN”. Oh, and subsequently beating the shit out of him once more on top of a submarine- but that was way later. After winning out against his bro the first time, he found out that his dominant genes (the ones he received in the cloning process) were actually inferior to the recessive genes of his twin- which is essentially saying that your older, smellier, more ripped brother can make you his bitch because genetics says so, and you whipping out a rocket launcher and telling genetics to fuck off.
Snake’s beat out old age, an island of terrorists, a shitload of insane chicks, and more strange weirdos than you can count. Plus, his voice is the most badass, hardcore, war-torn sound to come from a man’s mouth since you heard your Grandpa talk to you about World War II. If that’s not badass, then tell me what is. Crab Battle.
Back to the old grindstone!
Josh and I have decided to take the weekends off, so that we may better prepare ourselves for the next week of bad asses. Also, submissions for bad asses can be submitted, and we'll do our damnedest to explain them. That's right, any character or figure you can think of, we'll do. Even if it's Jar Jar Binks.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Badassery!?!?!Questionmarkexlcamationpoint?!
So Josh hastily told me that he would have no update for yesterday, as he didn't have time to create one.
Well.
Damn.
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one stands before an entire army of enemies, smiles, draws his sword for one last time, and realizes that this is the end, and that he might as well take down as many foes as he possibly can before it all comes crashing down. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Okay, I’m not going to even mention the prequel movies- in the original trilogy, Darth Vader was the most badass thing to walk on any planet. There are many things that factor into Vader’s perpetual badassery, so let’s list them off.
Imagine being a soldier on the sweet looking ship, the Tantive IV. You wake up and say to yourself, “Today is going to be a good day. The Tantive IV is totally on its way to go royally fuck up the Empire, and that’s cool. Smooth riding, right?” You’d have to say, your participation in the Rebel Alliance is working out pretty well for you. Damn those Empire bastards for killing your precious Dewback in front of your eyes when you were a kid, and all- the knowledge you are in possession of (or more appropriately, the Princess on your ship is in possession of) is totally going to get them back for killing ‘Lil Dewey. Then, not a few hours later, your ship has been Zerg-rushed by a crapload of Stormtroopers- at this point you’re pretty worried. But then, a six-foot tall, black menace appears from the smoke and lifts you- by the neck, no less- off of the ground with one hand, shouting at you in a voice so low and angry that you can’t help but shit your pants. Yeah, not such a good day after all. Darth Vader’s presence was absolutely terrifying, from the top of that shiny helmet to the bottom of those boots. He just had this aura of toughness that exuded from everything he did- if Darth Vader points at you, I can guarantee he’s got your attention. The thing is, with the whole “wearing a mask” deal, you don’t know who he’s looking at, so if he walks into a room with a lot of people, everybody makes sure they’re paying attention to the guy, just in case he might subtly trying to get your attention. And trust me, if you’re in a room with Darth Vader and you’re his center of attention- you’re probably dead meat.
Vader’s rage is another factor about him that is absolutely awesome. We’re not talking about Wolverine-style, “snikt snikt bub bub” rage, it’s that silent kind of rage where he looks at you because you’ve failed to do something important, says two or three words, and then Force-chokes the shit out of you. Vader cares not who you are- if you’re the Admiral of some fleet or a Stormtrooper or whatever, he’s going to get pissed and kill you if you fuck up. This is probably the reason Stormtroopers died so easily in the movies- it was way easier to just get shot in the chest than have to come back to Darth Vader not-having fulfilled your mission- you’ll shit your pants and then die by asphyxiation.
Vader’s skills have a lot to do with his title of badass. He Force-chokes, wields a lightsaber, throws around random machinery with the Force, and, oh, yeah… BLOCKS LASERFIRE WITH HIS HAND. Yeah, if Greedo and Vader were sitting in the Cantina discussing business, Vader would wait until Greedo shot first, block the shot with his hand, Force-choke the bastard, and whip out his lightsaber and slice him dead. And when you walk up to Vader and activate your lightsaber, you know you’re screwed- the guy killed hundreds of Jedi, his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, AND royally fucked Luke’s shit up on Bespin. The only reason Luke beat the guy was because Vader taunted him into a Sith-like rage.
And just when you think Vader is like, some unforgivable bastard, you watch the scene at the end of Return of the Jedi and you’re like, “Oh, no… he’s not gonna… will he? WILL HE?!” And see Vader’s soulless mask look from his son and back to the Emperor before he lifts the old geezer over his head with ONE HAND and proceeds to throw him into a bottomless pit. I mean, damn. You spend three movies telling the audience about how Vader is “more man than machine” and totally unspeakably evil, and then you have him go all soft and sentimental before dying. Vader scared the crap out of us, made us hate him, proved to be one of the best villains of all time, but he also gave us one of the biggest tearjerkers in sci-fi history. It’s the characters that prove to be complex, evil and good, as well as totally skilled mofos that make it onto this list, and Darth Vader has all that and more.
Oh, and the prequels revealed to us that he puts the moves on girls by calling them angels, kills Sandpeople, and whines a lot. It’s good to know that such a stupid character would eventually become the biggest badass in the Star Wars universe- it gives all of us idiots hope.
Well.
Damn.
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one stands before an entire army of enemies, smiles, draws his sword for one last time, and realizes that this is the end, and that he might as well take down as many foes as he possibly can before it all comes crashing down. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Okay, I’m not going to even mention the prequel movies- in the original trilogy, Darth Vader was the most badass thing to walk on any planet. There are many things that factor into Vader’s perpetual badassery, so let’s list them off.
Imagine being a soldier on the sweet looking ship, the Tantive IV. You wake up and say to yourself, “Today is going to be a good day. The Tantive IV is totally on its way to go royally fuck up the Empire, and that’s cool. Smooth riding, right?” You’d have to say, your participation in the Rebel Alliance is working out pretty well for you. Damn those Empire bastards for killing your precious Dewback in front of your eyes when you were a kid, and all- the knowledge you are in possession of (or more appropriately, the Princess on your ship is in possession of) is totally going to get them back for killing ‘Lil Dewey. Then, not a few hours later, your ship has been Zerg-rushed by a crapload of Stormtroopers- at this point you’re pretty worried. But then, a six-foot tall, black menace appears from the smoke and lifts you- by the neck, no less- off of the ground with one hand, shouting at you in a voice so low and angry that you can’t help but shit your pants. Yeah, not such a good day after all. Darth Vader’s presence was absolutely terrifying, from the top of that shiny helmet to the bottom of those boots. He just had this aura of toughness that exuded from everything he did- if Darth Vader points at you, I can guarantee he’s got your attention. The thing is, with the whole “wearing a mask” deal, you don’t know who he’s looking at, so if he walks into a room with a lot of people, everybody makes sure they’re paying attention to the guy, just in case he might subtly trying to get your attention. And trust me, if you’re in a room with Darth Vader and you’re his center of attention- you’re probably dead meat.
Vader’s rage is another factor about him that is absolutely awesome. We’re not talking about Wolverine-style, “snikt snikt bub bub” rage, it’s that silent kind of rage where he looks at you because you’ve failed to do something important, says two or three words, and then Force-chokes the shit out of you. Vader cares not who you are- if you’re the Admiral of some fleet or a Stormtrooper or whatever, he’s going to get pissed and kill you if you fuck up. This is probably the reason Stormtroopers died so easily in the movies- it was way easier to just get shot in the chest than have to come back to Darth Vader not-having fulfilled your mission- you’ll shit your pants and then die by asphyxiation.
Vader’s skills have a lot to do with his title of badass. He Force-chokes, wields a lightsaber, throws around random machinery with the Force, and, oh, yeah… BLOCKS LASERFIRE WITH HIS HAND. Yeah, if Greedo and Vader were sitting in the Cantina discussing business, Vader would wait until Greedo shot first, block the shot with his hand, Force-choke the bastard, and whip out his lightsaber and slice him dead. And when you walk up to Vader and activate your lightsaber, you know you’re screwed- the guy killed hundreds of Jedi, his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, AND royally fucked Luke’s shit up on Bespin. The only reason Luke beat the guy was because Vader taunted him into a Sith-like rage.
And just when you think Vader is like, some unforgivable bastard, you watch the scene at the end of Return of the Jedi and you’re like, “Oh, no… he’s not gonna… will he? WILL HE?!” And see Vader’s soulless mask look from his son and back to the Emperor before he lifts the old geezer over his head with ONE HAND and proceeds to throw him into a bottomless pit. I mean, damn. You spend three movies telling the audience about how Vader is “more man than machine” and totally unspeakably evil, and then you have him go all soft and sentimental before dying. Vader scared the crap out of us, made us hate him, proved to be one of the best villains of all time, but he also gave us one of the biggest tearjerkers in sci-fi history. It’s the characters that prove to be complex, evil and good, as well as totally skilled mofos that make it onto this list, and Darth Vader has all that and more.
Oh, and the prequels revealed to us that he puts the moves on girls by calling them angels, kills Sandpeople, and whines a lot. It’s good to know that such a stupid character would eventually become the biggest badass in the Star Wars universe- it gives all of us idiots hope.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Badassery in the waiting (Seriously, we'll stop soon)
Though it's Josh's day to update the blog, he's busy at work until six. Expect an update soon after. We apologize for this grievous insult to you, our readers.
-Evan
-Evan
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Our shields can't repel Badassery of that magnitude...!
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one takes five thousand arrows to their chest as well as a cannonball but just walks it off with a smile. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Okay, let’s break down the facts, here. Cars: Awesome. Robots: Awesome. Cars that turn into robots: Sign me up. This is the mentality Hasbro had when they decided to start their Transformers line back in 1984. However, they knew not what they were about to unleash upon the world.
So the Transformers have two warring factions- the Autobots (Good guys) and the Decepticons (Bad guys). In the original cartoon, the Decepticons had Megatron at their helm, a robot that turned into a gun- which is pretty insane to begin with. However, he also wields a Fusion Cannon, a weapon that shoots pretty purple lasers, which everyone fears. Everyone, except Optimus Prime.
The Original Optimus Prime was a badass because he kicked ass, took names, and when one of the smaller bots proved their worth on the battlefield, he would give them a damn hug. Not only cold and unrelenting on the battlefield, he was also affectionate and effective in commanding his forces back at the base, and also at dealing with humans. He was the embodiment of an excellent leader, and role model. However, he also laid the smackdown on the Decepticons every day, and often in amazingly epic ways. He even played basketball.
Optimus Prime has appeared as some form of truck in every Transformers Series he is featured in, which is essentially all of them. He often has super modes that further enhance his badassery- rocket pants, shoulder bazookas, and even Voltron-esque limbs. He continues to effectively lead the Autobots in their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons. Here are a few of the reasons he is a badass.
1) His voice is that of Peter Cullen, and it is made of awesome and win. Have you heard how that voice resonates? The amazing thing is that, in the 25 years since his creation, Peter Cullen has altered the voice to make him sound older and more wizened. His inspiration for the voice? A perfect leader, someone who would be able to show great command, compassion, and determination. He came up with the voice we know today.
2) In several fictions, Prime wields Energon weapons, often swords or axes. The axe is surprisingly his most well-known melee weapon, along with his ion cannon as a ranged weapon. Watching him whip out the first orange Energon Sword in the first live-action movie signifies hardcore ownage will commence.
3) He is capable of saying badass one-liners, such as “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing,” and “Autobots, Transform and Roll Out!” Not always wise and in control, Prime has shown a wide range of emotions, and there's even a website, thequotableoptimusprime.com, dedicated to chronicling his epic lines.
4) He takes faces. See, the first live action movie and Revenge of the Fallen.
5) He is the bearer of a legendary artifact called the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It’s basically the “I’m leader, screw everyone else” token. The Matrix is a device that contains all of the wisdom of those who once bore the Prime mantle, and also signifies the one who can open it is a rightful leader.
6) A slick paint job. Blue and red never looked so good. It always comes back to this iconic color scheme, and, flames or not, we always know that it's Optimus Prime because of it.
7) He has died and returned to life more times than Jesus. Just because he’s that good.
Optimus Prime represents everything that is right in the world- guns, swords, robots, cars, heroes, and change. The past three iterations of Prime have done ridiculous and badass things: wielded a freaking Thunder Hammer and worn a jetpack, dual wielded swords and ripped heads in two, and in War for Cybertron, he's been jacked up on Energon so that he looks like something from Gears of War. As long as Optimus Prime still represents his original image, he will continue to be a badass. There's one thing that every iteration of Prime must be able to do, and that is be absolutely awesome.
Rather than attempt to explain this to you, I give you this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUAG6Gy-to
Megatron vs Optimus Prime. I mean, did you see that move he does at the beginning? He vaults over a bunch of Decepticons and picks them off in midair. He then dies trying to defeat Megatron. Stupid Hot Rod.
Not good enough for you? Here’s one of the coolest fights ever. I literally weep tears of joy whenever I watch this scene.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XctuVzwERe4
That’s all I have to offer.
Okay, let’s break down the facts, here. Cars: Awesome. Robots: Awesome. Cars that turn into robots: Sign me up. This is the mentality Hasbro had when they decided to start their Transformers line back in 1984. However, they knew not what they were about to unleash upon the world.
So the Transformers have two warring factions- the Autobots (Good guys) and the Decepticons (Bad guys). In the original cartoon, the Decepticons had Megatron at their helm, a robot that turned into a gun- which is pretty insane to begin with. However, he also wields a Fusion Cannon, a weapon that shoots pretty purple lasers, which everyone fears. Everyone, except Optimus Prime.
The Original Optimus Prime was a badass because he kicked ass, took names, and when one of the smaller bots proved their worth on the battlefield, he would give them a damn hug. Not only cold and unrelenting on the battlefield, he was also affectionate and effective in commanding his forces back at the base, and also at dealing with humans. He was the embodiment of an excellent leader, and role model. However, he also laid the smackdown on the Decepticons every day, and often in amazingly epic ways. He even played basketball.
Optimus Prime has appeared as some form of truck in every Transformers Series he is featured in, which is essentially all of them. He often has super modes that further enhance his badassery- rocket pants, shoulder bazookas, and even Voltron-esque limbs. He continues to effectively lead the Autobots in their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons. Here are a few of the reasons he is a badass.
 |
| After 25 years, Prime is still in his... well, you know... |
2) In several fictions, Prime wields Energon weapons, often swords or axes. The axe is surprisingly his most well-known melee weapon, along with his ion cannon as a ranged weapon. Watching him whip out the first orange Energon Sword in the first live-action movie signifies hardcore ownage will commence.
3) He is capable of saying badass one-liners, such as “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing,” and “Autobots, Transform and Roll Out!” Not always wise and in control, Prime has shown a wide range of emotions, and there's even a website, thequotableoptimusprime.com, dedicated to chronicling his epic lines.
4) He takes faces. See, the first live action movie and Revenge of the Fallen.
5) He is the bearer of a legendary artifact called the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It’s basically the “I’m leader, screw everyone else” token. The Matrix is a device that contains all of the wisdom of those who once bore the Prime mantle, and also signifies the one who can open it is a rightful leader.
6) A slick paint job. Blue and red never looked so good. It always comes back to this iconic color scheme, and, flames or not, we always know that it's Optimus Prime because of it.
7) He has died and returned to life more times than Jesus. Just because he’s that good.
Optimus Prime represents everything that is right in the world- guns, swords, robots, cars, heroes, and change. The past three iterations of Prime have done ridiculous and badass things: wielded a freaking Thunder Hammer and worn a jetpack, dual wielded swords and ripped heads in two, and in War for Cybertron, he's been jacked up on Energon so that he looks like something from Gears of War. As long as Optimus Prime still represents his original image, he will continue to be a badass. There's one thing that every iteration of Prime must be able to do, and that is be absolutely awesome.
Rather than attempt to explain this to you, I give you this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUAG6Gy-to
Megatron vs Optimus Prime. I mean, did you see that move he does at the beginning? He vaults over a bunch of Decepticons and picks them off in midair. He then dies trying to defeat Megatron. Stupid Hot Rod.
Not good enough for you? Here’s one of the coolest fights ever. I literally weep tears of joy whenever I watch this scene.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XctuVzwERe4
That’s all I have to offer.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Fuck You. Badassery.
Born with the name James Howlett in the 1890’s in Alberta Canada, James was the son of Elizabeth and John Howlett Jr. The younger of two sons, Elizabeth went insane after her first son, John Howlett III, died under mysterious circumstances years earlier. It is hinted by, well, just about everyone that James’ older brother was a mutant too. His mom even has the scars to prove it. But enough of the dead. Back to the bad ass.
Long story short, in the 1900’s a young Irish girl named Rose is hired to be James’ companion because he has no friends. The two soon become friends with the other youth, Dog Logan, son of the gardener of the Howletts’. IT’s funny because Dog’s father , Thomas, looks EXACTLY LIKE AN OLDER WOLVERINE. KINDA WEIRD, HUH. Years later Thomas tries to convince Elizabeth to leave with him. She says no so Thomas does what any rational man would do. He kills her husband. In front of her kid, his friend and her. At this point, the badass in James is awakened. For the first time in his life he pops those bone claws that everyone wishes they had. He ends up scaring Dog ACROSS THE FACE and killing Thomas. That’s right, it took 4.8 seconds for James to avenge his father. Badass. What’s weird is that his mom then ran to Thomas’ corpse and cried over it. Its assumed they slept together at this point. So, again, Elizabeth does what any rational person would do. She calls her son a freak, banishes him and shoots herself in the face with the closet gun she could find. This was the beginning of the past that is Wolverine’s. But we’re not here to discuss his loooooooong past. We’re here to talk about why he’s a badass.
Wolverine, like the previously mentioned Ernest Hemingway, is a multi-war-veteran. He fought in both World War I AND World War II. Plus a few more in the middle. He even fought the angel of death and won. Let me repeat that in caps. WOLVERINE BEAT THE ANGEL OF DEATH IN BATTLE. Ok, we got that? Good. There was also a shit ton of other things he did in the wars that would make a normal man seem epic, but compared to fighting the angel of death, they seem insignificant. Except for fighting with Captain America in WWII. Thats pretty badass. Wolverine was and still is able to fight with Captain America both before and after he was frozen in a chunk of ice.
Logan, like most badasses, also has a nemesis. Sabretooth. These two beasts have been at each other’s throats (literally) for years and years. Their battles could be described as epic or visually stunning. But what they really are are the most badass things anyone has ever seen. Neither of these two can die by normal means. They’re skewered each other’s eyeballs, they’ve boiled each other alive and they’re probably cut each other up in every direction. To be able to survive and walk away from a battle like that doesn’t just make you awesome. It makes you a badass.
Now, I could continue to go on and on about how bad ass Logan/James/Wolverine is and chances are I probably will down the line. So for all intents and purposes let’s just say this is “Why Wolverine is a Total Badass Pt. 1: The Beginnings”.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
How Many Times Can We Put Badassery in the Title...?
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one will vault off of a highway overpass onto a truck below, shooting at communist vampires with a harpoon gun. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Taking this list to another medium, Domon Kasshu is the physical embodiment of awesome. Imagine this- everyone has abandoned post-apocalyptic Earth and moved into space colonies, but instead of fighting wars over who should rule everybody, a tournament is held every four years called the "Gundam Fight", where one representative from each country climbs into their extremely stereotyped GIANT ROBOT and heads to earth in hopes of kicking everyone's ass and earning their country the right to rule for the next four years. Think giant robot Street Fighter.
This is Domon Kasshu's life.
Well, almost. He's also hunting his brother down so he can beat the crap out of him for stealing a prototype Gundam, which caused their father to get frozen as punishment.
Domon is a martial arts master, dubbed "King of Hearts" because of his strength. He uses his Shining Gundam to wreck every single opponent he's ever faced, and later in the finals, his Burning(God) Gundam totally owned everything. Let's get one thing straight- Domon NEVER LOST A BATTLE. Why? Because he's the angriest mofo to ever exist. You know how people have an "inside" voice and an "outside" voice? Domon has an "inside" voice and a "I'm going to kill you" voice. Every single time this guy opens his mouth it's to shout something with righteous fury. Hell, when he confesses his love to his girlfriend, he doesn't just shout "I love you!" he screams it like he's pissed at her. He's the most insensitive ass-kicking character I've ever seen- even when he's trying to be sentimental. He also had a finishing move that he used on EVERYONE that had a prelude that went like this-
"This hand of mine is BURNING RED! Its LOUD ROAR tells me to DEFEAT YOU! Here I go: TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW! BURNING FINGER!!!"
Every time. EVERY TIME he had to defeat someone, he would yell that. And it's not like they were at their knees, begging for it- they were often still fighting him, trying to kill him. But no, once he started reciting that damn mantra, everyone knew that his opponent was pretty much screwed.
When I imagine pure rage in human form, I think of Domon Kasshu. But it's not just the fact that he never lost a battle, or that he has no volume control. It's that he killed his final enemy by doing this-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iwjg0s3tEE8&feature=related (Features Domon's Rage-filled "I love you")
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? An attack so powerful that makes a literal "King of Hearts" appear, look really really angry, and burns a heart shaped hole through a robot's chest.
Of course, this was how the Domon Kasshu of the English Dub acted, though I'm pretty sure the Japanese version was just as intense. G Gundam was a homage to the over-the-top attitude of many giant robot series, but it flitted between self-parody and actually taking itself seriously so much that it was hard for fans to love the strange series. Often considered the black sheep of Gundam series, G Gundam really took the concept of hyper-stylized anime fighting and giant robots to an extreme, giving every country a Gundam and pitting them against one another in the infamous Gundam Fight. Characters relied on the strength of their spirit rather than the way their suit was built- although having a Gundam with an ability called Burning Finger often helps. Energy-based attacks became as flowery as one dude having a move called "Rainbow Kick" and the Neo-France Gundam being able to shoot out Rose Bits.
In a series such as this, Neo-Japan would need the most emotion-filled character in order to beat out all the others, and Domon Kasshu answered the call, screaming his lungs out in defiance. The guy was either standing around with his long red cape, talking super quiet while still having a hint of anger in his voice, or he was in his Gundam, shouting at his enemies. It seems like righteous anger was the only character requirement for him.
Anyone who actually watched the series can tell you how ridiculously fucked up the ending was, when shippers secretly hoped that Domon would get together with Allenby, who, you know... HE HAD TOTALLY HUNG OUT WITH NONSTOP SINCE THEIR MEETING. But no, he realizes that he's harbored feelings for his hot Gundam mechanic who he has neglected the entire series just as she is chosen to be the host for the Devil Gundam. Obviously, this leads to the climax, in which Domon confesses his love is spectacular fashion. It wasn't actually upsetting that the two characters got together, it was just a very drastic and sudden turn in the show that left people wondering, "Wait, what about angry, vicious Domon Kasshu that we all know and love? WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH A MAN LIKE THAT?"
But we all kid ourselves on the inside, because in the future, when Earth is in ruins and everybody lives in space colonies, one must choose their mate based on their ability to display one emotion alone- white hot anger. This is the reason Domon never loses, because he's pure badass- anger incarnate.
Taking this list to another medium, Domon Kasshu is the physical embodiment of awesome. Imagine this- everyone has abandoned post-apocalyptic Earth and moved into space colonies, but instead of fighting wars over who should rule everybody, a tournament is held every four years called the "Gundam Fight", where one representative from each country climbs into their extremely stereotyped GIANT ROBOT and heads to earth in hopes of kicking everyone's ass and earning their country the right to rule for the next four years. Think giant robot Street Fighter.
This is Domon Kasshu's life.
Well, almost. He's also hunting his brother down so he can beat the crap out of him for stealing a prototype Gundam, which caused their father to get frozen as punishment.
 |
| Whoa there, big guy. Chill out. |
Domon is a martial arts master, dubbed "King of Hearts" because of his strength. He uses his Shining Gundam to wreck every single opponent he's ever faced, and later in the finals, his Burning(God) Gundam totally owned everything. Let's get one thing straight- Domon NEVER LOST A BATTLE. Why? Because he's the angriest mofo to ever exist. You know how people have an "inside" voice and an "outside" voice? Domon has an "inside" voice and a "I'm going to kill you" voice. Every single time this guy opens his mouth it's to shout something with righteous fury. Hell, when he confesses his love to his girlfriend, he doesn't just shout "I love you!" he screams it like he's pissed at her. He's the most insensitive ass-kicking character I've ever seen- even when he's trying to be sentimental. He also had a finishing move that he used on EVERYONE that had a prelude that went like this-
"This hand of mine is BURNING RED! Its LOUD ROAR tells me to DEFEAT YOU! Here I go: TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY ANGER, AND ALL OF MY SORROW! BURNING FINGER!!!"
Every time. EVERY TIME he had to defeat someone, he would yell that. And it's not like they were at their knees, begging for it- they were often still fighting him, trying to kill him. But no, once he started reciting that damn mantra, everyone knew that his opponent was pretty much screwed.
When I imagine pure rage in human form, I think of Domon Kasshu. But it's not just the fact that he never lost a battle, or that he has no volume control. It's that he killed his final enemy by doing this-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iwjg0s3tEE8&feature=related (Features Domon's Rage-filled "I love you")
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? An attack so powerful that makes a literal "King of Hearts" appear, look really really angry, and burns a heart shaped hole through a robot's chest.
Of course, this was how the Domon Kasshu of the English Dub acted, though I'm pretty sure the Japanese version was just as intense. G Gundam was a homage to the over-the-top attitude of many giant robot series, but it flitted between self-parody and actually taking itself seriously so much that it was hard for fans to love the strange series. Often considered the black sheep of Gundam series, G Gundam really took the concept of hyper-stylized anime fighting and giant robots to an extreme, giving every country a Gundam and pitting them against one another in the infamous Gundam Fight. Characters relied on the strength of their spirit rather than the way their suit was built- although having a Gundam with an ability called Burning Finger often helps. Energy-based attacks became as flowery as one dude having a move called "Rainbow Kick" and the Neo-France Gundam being able to shoot out Rose Bits.
In a series such as this, Neo-Japan would need the most emotion-filled character in order to beat out all the others, and Domon Kasshu answered the call, screaming his lungs out in defiance. The guy was either standing around with his long red cape, talking super quiet while still having a hint of anger in his voice, or he was in his Gundam, shouting at his enemies. It seems like righteous anger was the only character requirement for him.
Anyone who actually watched the series can tell you how ridiculously fucked up the ending was, when shippers secretly hoped that Domon would get together with Allenby, who, you know... HE HAD TOTALLY HUNG OUT WITH NONSTOP SINCE THEIR MEETING. But no, he realizes that he's harbored feelings for his hot Gundam mechanic who he has neglected the entire series just as she is chosen to be the host for the Devil Gundam. Obviously, this leads to the climax, in which Domon confesses his love is spectacular fashion. It wasn't actually upsetting that the two characters got together, it was just a very drastic and sudden turn in the show that left people wondering, "Wait, what about angry, vicious Domon Kasshu that we all know and love? WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH A MAN LIKE THAT?"
But we all kid ourselves on the inside, because in the future, when Earth is in ruins and everybody lives in space colonies, one must choose their mate based on their ability to display one emotion alone- white hot anger. This is the reason Domon never loses, because he's pure badass- anger incarnate.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Badassery Continues
Alright. Day 2. Let's get on it.
Ernest Hemingway was a man who was so manly you grew more hair on your chest each time you looked him in the eyes. This author was so badass that his legend is still talked about to this day. He was a track runner, a football player and a boxer (among other things). Basically, this man was a tank. He was also an avid bullfighting fan. He saw cruel beauty in the sport. Legends also speak of him trying to punch a bull in the face. These reports have been unconfirmed, but imagine how badass that would be. That people would even speculate about this guy punching a bull in the face.
I know you’re probably thinking “Hey, he’s a writer. How bad ass can I writer be?” And with that I say “shut your fucking mouth and I’ll explain.” Hemingway served in a few wars; one of them being the first World War. He was an ambulance driver in Italy (which at the time was getting the shit kicked out of it from every direction). During his time there he was injured by mortar fired and still managed to carry a wounded Italian soldier to safety. This earned him the Italian Silver Medal of Bravery. That’s kinda cool, right? You know what makes it bad ass? He was the first American to ever receive that award. That’s right, his bravery is known of in at least two countries. How many countries know of your bravery? Exactly.
After World War I Hemingway decided to just drink and write and basically do anything he wanted for a few years. Hemingway would go on to see the combat of the Spanish War as a reporter and forming a partisan group to help liberate Paris. Dude was hardcore.
Hemingway wasn’t only a war veteran but a ladies man. In forty years he went through four wives and had three kids. Legends speak of his manliness and badassery to such a degree that Hemingway was never singly for more than 30 days. Whenever Hemingway was single he shouted to the heavens and woman literally fell on his lap, wanting him and he wanting booty. And Hemingway took what he wanted. Every. Single. Time. You don’t deny Hemingway some booty.
So let’s see. . . we’ve covered how much of a tank he was, how much of a war veteran he was and how much of a ladies man he was. Time to talk about booze and death. I say booze because it is fairly well known that for a good chunk of his life Hemingway hung out with Irish writer James Joyce (who we’ll cover later) and went on “alcoholic sprees”. This man could hold his booze with the best of them. If you have any relatives who claim to have had a conversation with Hemingway, he was probably drunk. That man could drink a battle of whiskey and feel a slight tingle in his nose. If you wanted to see this man smashed you’d have to give him a distillery and a weekend.
And as for death? First of all, Hemingway had two, that’s right, TWO obituaries. The first said that he and his wife Mary were dead. Obviously Hemingway read this and went over to the newspaper’s head quarters to correct them. Funny thing is the next day the obituaries section was full of former news paper writers and editors. For Hemingway’s second obituary, the real one. . . Well, it’s been well documented. I think Wikipedia summed it up best. “In the early morning hours of July 2, 1961, Hemingway "quite deliberately" shot himself with his favorite shotgun. He unlocked the gun cabinet, went to the front entrance of their Ketchum home, and "pushed two shells into the twelve-gauge Boss shotgun, put the end of the barrel into his mouth, pulled the trigger and blew out his brains." Originally the papers said his death was “accidental” and not a suicide. Obviously they thought that Hemingway killing himself wasn’t as badass as it seemed. But a few years later the truth came out. Instead of people going “Man, Hemingway was a pussy for killing himself,” people realized it had to be done. Because no one could kill Ernest Hemingway. Except for Ernest Hemingway.
Ernest Hemingway was a man who was so manly you grew more hair on your chest each time you looked him in the eyes. This author was so badass that his legend is still talked about to this day. He was a track runner, a football player and a boxer (among other things). Basically, this man was a tank. He was also an avid bullfighting fan. He saw cruel beauty in the sport. Legends also speak of him trying to punch a bull in the face. These reports have been unconfirmed, but imagine how badass that would be. That people would even speculate about this guy punching a bull in the face.
I know you’re probably thinking “Hey, he’s a writer. How bad ass can I writer be?” And with that I say “shut your fucking mouth and I’ll explain.” Hemingway served in a few wars; one of them being the first World War. He was an ambulance driver in Italy (which at the time was getting the shit kicked out of it from every direction). During his time there he was injured by mortar fired and still managed to carry a wounded Italian soldier to safety. This earned him the Italian Silver Medal of Bravery. That’s kinda cool, right? You know what makes it bad ass? He was the first American to ever receive that award. That’s right, his bravery is known of in at least two countries. How many countries know of your bravery? Exactly.
After World War I Hemingway decided to just drink and write and basically do anything he wanted for a few years. Hemingway would go on to see the combat of the Spanish War as a reporter and forming a partisan group to help liberate Paris. Dude was hardcore.
Hemingway wasn’t only a war veteran but a ladies man. In forty years he went through four wives and had three kids. Legends speak of his manliness and badassery to such a degree that Hemingway was never singly for more than 30 days. Whenever Hemingway was single he shouted to the heavens and woman literally fell on his lap, wanting him and he wanting booty. And Hemingway took what he wanted. Every. Single. Time. You don’t deny Hemingway some booty.
So let’s see. . . we’ve covered how much of a tank he was, how much of a war veteran he was and how much of a ladies man he was. Time to talk about booze and death. I say booze because it is fairly well known that for a good chunk of his life Hemingway hung out with Irish writer James Joyce (who we’ll cover later) and went on “alcoholic sprees”. This man could hold his booze with the best of them. If you have any relatives who claim to have had a conversation with Hemingway, he was probably drunk. That man could drink a battle of whiskey and feel a slight tingle in his nose. If you wanted to see this man smashed you’d have to give him a distillery and a weekend.
And as for death? First of all, Hemingway had two, that’s right, TWO obituaries. The first said that he and his wife Mary were dead. Obviously Hemingway read this and went over to the newspaper’s head quarters to correct them. Funny thing is the next day the obituaries section was full of former news paper writers and editors. For Hemingway’s second obituary, the real one. . . Well, it’s been well documented. I think Wikipedia summed it up best. “In the early morning hours of July 2, 1961, Hemingway "quite deliberately" shot himself with his favorite shotgun. He unlocked the gun cabinet, went to the front entrance of their Ketchum home, and "pushed two shells into the twelve-gauge Boss shotgun, put the end of the barrel into his mouth, pulled the trigger and blew out his brains." Originally the papers said his death was “accidental” and not a suicide. Obviously they thought that Hemingway killing himself wasn’t as badass as it seemed. But a few years later the truth came out. Instead of people going “Man, Hemingway was a pussy for killing himself,” people realized it had to be done. Because no one could kill Ernest Hemingway. Except for Ernest Hemingway.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The Badassery Begins.
Greetings, friends. You are taking witness to the start of an ever-expanding list of icons, among them, fictional characters and real life examples, who all have one thing in common: they are badass. This blog shall chronicle them, day by day, and we will offer a comprehensive look at badassery throughout the ages. What is badassery, you ask? We'll tell you, only because you're obviously actually wondering.
Why, badassery is the measure by which a person's actions, demeanor, or very character is judged in order to be rightfully called a badass. And so, if we're going to be putting a number of badasses on display, we're going to have to establish one thing- though some may love a certain badass more than another, there can be no denial that all badasses are created equal. We will not engage in debate of who is more badass than who else (well, except if you REALLY want us to), because within their respective universes, these badasses are top gun- and if we tried to pit them against one another, there would be a nerdrage unlike the world has ever seen. So we will simply leave the exact level of badassery up for you to decide, though we will certainly play up the badass deeds these icons have achieved.
This is a list too great for one man to tackle alone, so we are a team of two-
Evan Baranowski, current college student, accomplished videogamer, comic, and movie fan. Often very selective and defensive of those who he calls badass, I'm is a large fan of Transformers and Marvel Comics, as well as an avid Nintendo fan. You probably won't see me covering a lot of badasses from Playstation or Xbox exclusive franchises... though I dabble.
And Josh Max, who can come and edit this post himself if he wants to have a little blurb about himself.
And here it is. "What Evan says goes double for me. We're also Transformers fans and pretty big into pop culture. I'm a bit more flexible than Evan on the term of 'badass' but I think everything we cover here will be accepted. And yes, that first sentence I wrote DOES insinuate that I'm a double college student. Which isn't true. So apparently I'm a liar sometimes. Just try to keep up. I promise you won't regret it."
Together, we will alternate posting daily about a badass of our choice, though I'm pretty sure we'll run out of ideas eventually. Which is why people like you, who are viewing this, should suggest badasses for us to chronicle, and we shall with flying colors... of... badassery. Look, I don't know, it's a blog about people who are awesome. I have an obligatory "badass" count that I have to fit into posts.
So without further adieu, I present the first installment of the Bad Ass Blog:
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. Now, in every story of fictitious nature, you have a protagonist, antagonist, and several support characters, blah blah blah. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and you see someone just walk into a room and do something epic like snap a guy's neck with a piece of paper. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
He's the goddamn Batman.
Need I say more?
Batman is the DC comics version of Wolverine- if you put him on the cover of something, it’s guaranteed to sell a buttload. Detective Comics featuring Batman? A million copies sold in the first day. Latest issue of the Justice League featuring Batman? Completely sold out. A Copy of A Tale of Two Cities with Batman crudely photoshopped onto the cover? That’s the best fuckin’ book you’ve ever bought. Batman is everything you’ve ever wanted to be, whether you like it or not. You’ve wanted to be a superhero? Batman does that without superpowers. You want to be a detective? Batman’s the best damn detective there is. You want to have shark-repellent?! BATMAN HAS SHARK REPELLENT.
Bruce Wayne, heir to Thomas Wayne’s fortunes, had his parents taken from him before his eyes one fateful night. After a long quest of discovery, Bruce decided to take the law into his own hands and strike fear into the hearts of those who would dare attempt the same act he was subjected to as a child. Hoping that he would truly be the embodiment of fear, Bruce donned the guise of a bat and used his money to design a suit and gear that matched. Thus, Batman was born.
Possessing some great technology, some nice bat-themed vehicles and gadgets, a little bit of gun and sword training, as well as some skills in hand-to-hand combat, Batman is a force to be reckoned with. Even though he’s used his fortune to his advantage in creating his arsenal, you need to be realistic- there’s no way some poor dude is going to become as effective as Batman in getting shit done. Batman is so cool because he solves crime, beats up villains, and says one-liners and all that other crap without even needing superpowers. How do you do that?! The dude has more conviction in what he’s doing than Jesus had in God- and that’s A LOT of conviction. Batman never gives up, and makes sure that evil gets their shit rocked on a daily basis.
It doesn’t matter what Batman you like- Adam West’s Batman, Tim Burton’s Batman, Batman from “The Animated Series”, or Batman from the comics, every Batman is special in his own Bat-rite. Hell, Batman is the shit when he’s being campy and using his many tools from his utility belt, or when he’s viciously taking down villains in the streets of Gotham. Oh, and I guess Batman is sort of cool when he stars in those two movies that came out recently. Any and every writer who has been blessed with the opportunity to write this character has tried, without fail, to make him as awesome and complex and weird and EPIC as they possibly can- well, almost every writer. We won't mention the Widening Gyre. But aside from that, Batman is just pure badass material. Imagine him saying or doing anything and you get those flashes of that grizzled, serious voice, that cape spreading wide. It's chilling.
Another awesome thing about Batman are all the psychopaths he takes on when he’s fighting crime. I mean, the guy has some of the most screwed up villains of all time, and it doesn’t surprise me that Batman is a little bit darker because of the villains he has faced. In fact, the darkness within Batman is one of the most interesting facets of his character. Though he is a twisted man who is haunted by his past, he has vowed to never kill, even though he has come close to doing so many times.
A lot of people appreciate Batman because, in the world of DC superheroes, a lot of the superpowered peeps are almost too good and too superpowered to be true. Meanwhile, Batman is the rough, gritty and realistic hero, far more down to Earth than say, Superman, who Batman once beat the shit out of by wearing a Kryptonite ring on his finger. You gotta have a lot of balls to beat up Superman.
Do you really need much more of an explanation? He’s BATMAN. A man running around in a bat-themed costume who still manages to be a total badass. Even if you’ve never read a comic book in your life you still know who this guy is. If that’s not worth a spot on this list, I don’t know who is.
Stay tuned. It's only gonna get better from here.
Why, badassery is the measure by which a person's actions, demeanor, or very character is judged in order to be rightfully called a badass. And so, if we're going to be putting a number of badasses on display, we're going to have to establish one thing- though some may love a certain badass more than another, there can be no denial that all badasses are created equal. We will not engage in debate of who is more badass than who else (well, except if you REALLY want us to), because within their respective universes, these badasses are top gun- and if we tried to pit them against one another, there would be a nerdrage unlike the world has ever seen. So we will simply leave the exact level of badassery up for you to decide, though we will certainly play up the badass deeds these icons have achieved.
This is a list too great for one man to tackle alone, so we are a team of two-
Evan Baranowski, current college student, accomplished videogamer, comic, and movie fan. Often very selective and defensive of those who he calls badass, I'm is a large fan of Transformers and Marvel Comics, as well as an avid Nintendo fan. You probably won't see me covering a lot of badasses from Playstation or Xbox exclusive franchises... though I dabble.
And Josh Max, who can come and edit this post himself if he wants to have a little blurb about himself.
And here it is. "What Evan says goes double for me. We're also Transformers fans and pretty big into pop culture. I'm a bit more flexible than Evan on the term of 'badass' but I think everything we cover here will be accepted. And yes, that first sentence I wrote DOES insinuate that I'm a double college student. Which isn't true. So apparently I'm a liar sometimes. Just try to keep up. I promise you won't regret it."
Together, we will alternate posting daily about a badass of our choice, though I'm pretty sure we'll run out of ideas eventually. Which is why people like you, who are viewing this, should suggest badasses for us to chronicle, and we shall with flying colors... of... badassery. Look, I don't know, it's a blog about people who are awesome. I have an obligatory "badass" count that I have to fit into posts.
So without further adieu, I present the first installment of the Bad Ass Blog:
Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. Now, in every story of fictitious nature, you have a protagonist, antagonist, and several support characters, blah blah blah. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and you see someone just walk into a room and do something epic like snap a guy's neck with a piece of paper. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.
Need I say more?
Batman is the DC comics version of Wolverine- if you put him on the cover of something, it’s guaranteed to sell a buttload. Detective Comics featuring Batman? A million copies sold in the first day. Latest issue of the Justice League featuring Batman? Completely sold out. A Copy of A Tale of Two Cities with Batman crudely photoshopped onto the cover? That’s the best fuckin’ book you’ve ever bought. Batman is everything you’ve ever wanted to be, whether you like it or not. You’ve wanted to be a superhero? Batman does that without superpowers. You want to be a detective? Batman’s the best damn detective there is. You want to have shark-repellent?! BATMAN HAS SHARK REPELLENT.
Bruce Wayne, heir to Thomas Wayne’s fortunes, had his parents taken from him before his eyes one fateful night. After a long quest of discovery, Bruce decided to take the law into his own hands and strike fear into the hearts of those who would dare attempt the same act he was subjected to as a child. Hoping that he would truly be the embodiment of fear, Bruce donned the guise of a bat and used his money to design a suit and gear that matched. Thus, Batman was born.
Possessing some great technology, some nice bat-themed vehicles and gadgets, a little bit of gun and sword training, as well as some skills in hand-to-hand combat, Batman is a force to be reckoned with. Even though he’s used his fortune to his advantage in creating his arsenal, you need to be realistic- there’s no way some poor dude is going to become as effective as Batman in getting shit done. Batman is so cool because he solves crime, beats up villains, and says one-liners and all that other crap without even needing superpowers. How do you do that?! The dude has more conviction in what he’s doing than Jesus had in God- and that’s A LOT of conviction. Batman never gives up, and makes sure that evil gets their shit rocked on a daily basis.
It doesn’t matter what Batman you like- Adam West’s Batman, Tim Burton’s Batman, Batman from “The Animated Series”, or Batman from the comics, every Batman is special in his own Bat-rite. Hell, Batman is the shit when he’s being campy and using his many tools from his utility belt, or when he’s viciously taking down villains in the streets of Gotham. Oh, and I guess Batman is sort of cool when he stars in those two movies that came out recently. Any and every writer who has been blessed with the opportunity to write this character has tried, without fail, to make him as awesome and complex and weird and EPIC as they possibly can- well, almost every writer. We won't mention the Widening Gyre. But aside from that, Batman is just pure badass material. Imagine him saying or doing anything and you get those flashes of that grizzled, serious voice, that cape spreading wide. It's chilling.
Another awesome thing about Batman are all the psychopaths he takes on when he’s fighting crime. I mean, the guy has some of the most screwed up villains of all time, and it doesn’t surprise me that Batman is a little bit darker because of the villains he has faced. In fact, the darkness within Batman is one of the most interesting facets of his character. Though he is a twisted man who is haunted by his past, he has vowed to never kill, even though he has come close to doing so many times.
A lot of people appreciate Batman because, in the world of DC superheroes, a lot of the superpowered peeps are almost too good and too superpowered to be true. Meanwhile, Batman is the rough, gritty and realistic hero, far more down to Earth than say, Superman, who Batman once beat the shit out of by wearing a Kryptonite ring on his finger. You gotta have a lot of balls to beat up Superman.
Do you really need much more of an explanation? He’s BATMAN. A man running around in a bat-themed costume who still manages to be a total badass. Even if you’ve never read a comic book in your life you still know who this guy is. If that’s not worth a spot on this list, I don’t know who is.
Stay tuned. It's only gonna get better from here.
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