Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What the hell happened yesterday...?

Yeah, so Andrew Jackson was doing all fine and well, but it was suddenly BALEETED. We'll make it up to you guys.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Well, the Grindstone's been a Little Bit Worn Down as of Late...

Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one will be facing down alien robot dinosaurs with nothing but a stick of butter and a hand-full of dreams. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.

Lets say you’ve been hired as a grunt soldier by some sort of terrorist organization that specializes in making GIANT WALKING TANKS with a shitload of firepower. You’re minding your own business, when suddenly, one of your friends gets owned by a silenced shot. You look around the corridor, but you can see nothing suspicious, save for a cardboard box. Muttering to yourself, you deduce that the cardboard box has really always been there, and you return to patrolling. Not two seconds later, you feel a pair of firm hands grasp you and snap your neck. You, my friend, have just had your shit rocked by Solid Snake.

Snake has it pretty good. He’s an expert at like, every sort of firearm that has ever existed, he can slit your throat or just stab you to death, and he is also a master stealthy guy. The dude can eat cigarettes and vomit them back up, just in case he’s in a situation that calls for dying a little bit. I’m sure he has various other little knick-knacks in his digestive tract in case he had to cut a ribbon or burn an ant with only the use of the sunlight- because Snake is just that prepared.

He’s also really good at having a confused past, as he’s one of the three genetic replications of Naked Snake, who was like Solid Snake but badass enough to run around naked. Nah, just kidding. But seriously- Naked Snake could whoop anyone’s ass, and Solid Snake keeps the family tradition going.

Over his career, Snake has taken on a slew of crazy ass mofos. They’ve all decided to take the whole “name yourself after an animal thing” and run with it, pairing Snake up with gunslingers like Revolver Ocelot, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, and Decoy Octopus (And Gray Fox, though that’s a complicated story). However, Snake has also had to deal with the tomfoolery of the Beauty and the Beast Corps, a psychotic quartet of animal themed cyborg bitches. Oh, wait, did I mention he did this when he was the biological age of like, sixty five?! Yeah, imagine having a sweet set of robotic limbs and getting your shit rocked by an old guy with an eyepatch. However, he proved his title as badass by going toe-to-toe with his crazy biological twin, Liquid Snake, while the dude was piloting fucking Metal Gear Rex, which is Latin for “METAL T-REX WITH RAIL GUN”. Oh, and subsequently beating the shit out of him once more on top of a submarine- but that was way later. After winning out against his bro the first time, he found out that his dominant genes (the ones he received in the cloning process) were actually inferior to the recessive genes of his twin- which is essentially saying that your older, smellier, more ripped brother can make you his bitch because genetics says so, and you whipping out a rocket launcher and telling genetics to fuck off.

Snake’s beat out old age, an island of terrorists, a shitload of insane chicks, and more strange weirdos than you can count. Plus, his voice is the most badass, hardcore, war-torn sound to come from a man’s mouth since you heard your Grandpa talk to you about World War II. If that’s not badass, then tell me what is. Crab Battle.

Back to the old grindstone!

Josh and I have decided to take the weekends off, so that we may better prepare ourselves for the next week of bad asses. Also, submissions for bad asses can be submitted, and we'll do our damnedest to explain them. That's right, any character or figure you can think of, we'll do. Even if it's Jar Jar Binks.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


So Josh hastily told me that he would have no update for yesterday, as he didn't have time to create one.



Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one stands before an entire army of enemies, smiles, draws his sword for one last time, and realizes that this is the end, and that he might as well take down as many foes as he possibly can before it all comes crashing down. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.

Okay, I’m not going to even mention the prequel movies- in the original trilogy, Darth Vader was the most badass thing to walk on any planet. There are many things that factor into Vader’s perpetual badassery, so let’s list them off.

Imagine being a soldier on the sweet looking ship, the Tantive IV. You wake up and say to yourself, “Today is going to be a good day. The Tantive IV is totally on its way to go royally fuck up the Empire, and that’s cool. Smooth riding, right?” You’d have to say, your participation in the Rebel Alliance is working out pretty well for you. Damn those Empire bastards for killing your precious Dewback in front of your eyes when you were a kid, and all- the knowledge you are in possession of (or more appropriately, the Princess on your ship is in possession of) is totally going to get them back for killing ‘Lil Dewey. Then, not a few hours later, your ship has been Zerg-rushed by a crapload of Stormtroopers- at this point you’re pretty worried. But then, a six-foot tall, black menace appears from the smoke and lifts you- by the neck, no less- off of the ground with one hand, shouting at you in a voice so low and angry that you can’t help but shit your pants. Yeah, not such a good day after all. Darth Vader’s presence was absolutely terrifying, from the top of that shiny helmet to the bottom of those boots. He just had this aura of toughness that exuded from everything he did- if Darth Vader points at you, I can guarantee he’s got your attention. The thing is, with the whole “wearing a mask” deal, you don’t know who he’s looking at, so if he walks into a room with a lot of people, everybody makes sure they’re paying attention to the guy, just in case he might subtly trying to get your attention. And trust me, if you’re in a room with Darth Vader and you’re his center of attention- you’re probably dead meat.

Vader’s rage is another factor about him that is absolutely awesome. We’re not talking about Wolverine-style, “snikt snikt bub bub” rage, it’s that silent kind of rage where he looks at you because you’ve failed to do something important, says two or three words, and then Force-chokes the shit out of you. Vader cares not who you are- if you’re the Admiral of some fleet or a Stormtrooper or whatever, he’s going to get pissed and kill you if you fuck up. This is probably the reason Stormtroopers died so easily in the movies- it was way easier to just get shot in the chest than have to come back to Darth Vader not-having fulfilled your mission- you’ll shit your pants and then die by asphyxiation.

Vader’s skills have a lot to do with his title of badass. He Force-chokes, wields a lightsaber, throws around random machinery with the Force, and, oh, yeah… BLOCKS LASERFIRE WITH HIS HAND. Yeah, if Greedo and Vader were sitting in the Cantina discussing business, Vader would wait until Greedo shot first, block the shot with his hand, Force-choke the bastard, and whip out his lightsaber and slice him dead. And when you walk up to Vader and activate your lightsaber, you know you’re screwed- the guy killed hundreds of Jedi, his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, AND royally fucked Luke’s shit up on Bespin. The only reason Luke beat the guy was because Vader taunted him into a Sith-like rage.

And just when you think Vader is like, some unforgivable bastard, you watch the scene at the end of Return of the Jedi and you’re like, “Oh, no… he’s not gonna… will he? WILL HE?!” And see Vader’s soulless mask look from his son and back to the Emperor before he lifts the old geezer over his head with ONE HAND and proceeds to throw him into a bottomless pit. I mean, damn. You spend three movies telling the audience about how Vader is “more man than machine” and totally unspeakably evil, and then you have him go all soft and sentimental before dying. Vader scared the crap out of us, made us hate him, proved to be one of the best villains of all time, but he also gave us one of the biggest tearjerkers in sci-fi history. It’s the characters that prove to be complex, evil and good, as well as totally skilled mofos that make it onto this list, and Darth Vader has all that and more.

Oh, and the prequels revealed to us that he puts the moves on girls by calling them angels, kills Sandpeople, and whines a lot. It’s good to know that such a stupid character would eventually become the biggest badass in the Star Wars universe- it gives all of us idiots hope.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Badassery in the waiting (Seriously, we'll stop soon)

Though it's Josh's day to update the blog, he's busy at work until six. Expect an update soon after. We apologize for this grievous insult to you, our readers.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Our shields can't repel Badassery of that magnitude...!

Throughout the history of fiction, there have been a number of characters. No, wait. That's a complete understatement. There have been a crapload of characters. However, once in a while, you'll be reading a book, watching a show, or playing a game, and some one takes five thousand arrows to their chest as well as a cannonball but just walks it off with a smile. That, my friends, is the badass. He represents everything that is awesome either by doing awesome things, saying awesome things, or just being the personification of awesome.

Okay, let’s break down the facts, here. Cars: Awesome. Robots: Awesome. Cars that turn into robots: Sign me up. This is the mentality Hasbro had when they decided to start their Transformers line back in 1984. However, they knew not what they were about to unleash upon the world.

So the Transformers have two warring factions- the Autobots (Good guys) and the Decepticons (Bad guys). In the original cartoon, the Decepticons had Megatron at their helm, a robot that turned into a gun- which is pretty insane to begin with. However, he also wields a Fusion Cannon, a weapon that shoots pretty purple lasers, which everyone fears. Everyone, except Optimus Prime.

The Original Optimus Prime was a badass because he kicked ass, took names, and when one of the smaller bots proved their worth on the battlefield, he would give them a damn hug. Not only cold and unrelenting on the battlefield, he was also affectionate and effective in commanding his forces back at the base, and also at dealing with humans. He was the embodiment of an excellent leader, and role model. However, he also laid the smackdown on the Decepticons every day, and often in amazingly epic ways. He even played basketball.

Optimus Prime has appeared as some form of truck in every Transformers Series he is featured in, which is essentially all of them. He often has super modes that further enhance his badassery- rocket pants, shoulder bazookas, and even Voltron-esque limbs. He continues to effectively lead the Autobots in their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons. Here are a few of the reasons he is a badass.

After 25 years, Prime is still in his... well, you know...
1) His voice is that of Peter Cullen, and it is made of awesome and win. Have you heard how that voice resonates? The amazing thing is that, in the 25 years since his creation, Peter Cullen has altered the voice to make him sound older and more wizened. His inspiration for the voice? A perfect leader, someone who would be able to show great command, compassion, and determination. He came up with the voice we know today.
2) In several fictions, Prime wields Energon weapons, often swords or axes. The axe is surprisingly his most well-known melee weapon, along with his ion cannon as a ranged weapon. Watching him whip out the first orange Energon Sword in the first live-action movie signifies hardcore ownage will commence.
3) He is capable of saying badass one-liners, such as “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing,” and “Autobots, Transform and Roll Out!” Not always wise and in control, Prime has shown a wide range of emotions, and there's even a website,, dedicated to chronicling his epic lines. 
4) He takes faces. See, the first live action movie and Revenge of the Fallen.
5) He is the bearer of a legendary artifact called the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It’s basically the “I’m leader, screw everyone else” token. The Matrix is a device that contains all of the wisdom of those who once bore the Prime mantle, and also signifies the one who can open it is a rightful leader.
6) A slick paint job. Blue and red never looked so good. It always comes back to this iconic color scheme, and, flames or not, we always know that it's Optimus Prime because of it.
7) He has died and returned to life more times than Jesus. Just because he’s that good.

Optimus Prime represents everything that is right in the world- guns, swords, robots, cars, heroes, and change. The past three iterations of Prime have done ridiculous and badass things: wielded a freaking Thunder Hammer and worn a jetpack, dual wielded swords and ripped heads in two, and in War for Cybertron, he's been jacked up on Energon so that he looks like something from Gears of War. As long as Optimus Prime still represents his original image, he will continue to be a badass. There's one thing that every iteration of Prime must be able to do, and that is be absolutely awesome.

Rather than attempt to explain this to you, I give you this:
Megatron vs Optimus Prime. I mean, did you see that move he does at the beginning? He vaults over a bunch of Decepticons and picks them off in midair. He then dies trying to defeat Megatron. Stupid Hot Rod.

Not good enough for you? Here’s one of the coolest fights ever. I literally weep tears of joy whenever I watch this scene.
That’s all I have to offer.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Fuck You. Badassery.

He’s the best there is at what he does. And what he does. . . isn’t very nice. You know him, I know him, hell, even people who don’t read comics know him. He’s The Wolverine. Well, maybe just Wolverine these days. . . Or Logan. The feral mutant with the adamantium claws, extreme healing factor, uncontrollable body air, rotten scent and an attitude to match. The poster boy of the X-Men. The leader of the X-Force. One of the only characters to guarantee a second printing with him on the cover.

Born with the name James Howlett in the 1890’s in Alberta Canada, James was the son of Elizabeth and John Howlett Jr. The younger of two sons, Elizabeth went insane after her first son, John Howlett III, died under mysterious circumstances years earlier. It is hinted by, well, just about everyone that James’ older brother was a mutant too. His mom even has the scars to prove it. But enough of the dead. Back to the bad ass.

Long story short, in the 1900’s a young Irish girl named Rose is hired to be James’ companion because he has no friends. The two soon become friends with the other youth, Dog Logan, son of the gardener of the Howletts’. IT’s funny because Dog’s father , Thomas, looks EXACTLY LIKE AN OLDER WOLVERINE. KINDA WEIRD, HUH.  Years later Thomas tries to convince Elizabeth to leave with him. She says no so Thomas does what any rational man would do. He kills her husband. In front of her kid, his friend and her. At this point, the badass in James is awakened. For the first time in his life he pops those bone claws that everyone wishes they had. He ends up scaring Dog ACROSS THE FACE and killing Thomas. That’s right, it took 4.8 seconds for James to avenge his father. Badass. What’s weird is that his mom then ran to Thomas’ corpse and cried over it. Its assumed they slept together at this point. So, again, Elizabeth does what any rational person would do. She calls her son a freak, banishes him and shoots herself in the face with the closet gun she could find. This was the beginning of the past that is Wolverine’s. But we’re not here to discuss his loooooooong past. We’re here to talk about why he’s a badass.

Wolverine, like the previously mentioned Ernest Hemingway, is a multi-war-veteran. He fought in both World War I AND World War II. Plus a few more in the middle. He even fought the angel of death and won. Let me repeat that in caps. WOLVERINE BEAT THE ANGEL OF DEATH IN BATTLE. Ok, we got that? Good. There was also a shit ton of other things he did in the wars that would make a normal man seem epic, but compared to fighting the angel of death, they seem insignificant. Except for fighting with Captain America in WWII. Thats pretty badass. Wolverine was and still is able to fight with Captain America both before and after he was frozen in a chunk of ice.

Logan, like most badasses, also has a nemesis. Sabretooth. These two beasts have been at each other’s throats (literally) for years and years. Their battles could be described as epic or visually stunning. But what they really are are the most badass things anyone has ever seen. Neither of these two can die by normal means. They’re skewered each other’s eyeballs, they’ve boiled each other alive and they’re probably cut each other up in every direction. To be able to survive and walk away from a battle like that doesn’t just make you awesome. It makes you a badass.

Now, I could continue to go on and on about how bad ass Logan/James/Wolverine is and chances are I probably will down the line. So for all intents and purposes let’s just say this is “Why Wolverine is a Total Badass Pt. 1: The Beginnings”.